*You can drink a pot of coffee and still go to sleep in the morning.
*You believe every patient needs TLC: Thorazine, Lorazapam, and Compazine.
*You can’t see it; it’s probably not there.
*Your sense of humor seems to get more warped each year.
*You think it is acceptable to use “penis” and “vagina” in a normal conversation.
*You believe the definition of stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
*You believe that if warm wine enemas were routinely ordered, patient complaints would greatly decrease.
*You call some of your co-workers “Flowers in the Field of Medicine” because they’re bloomin’ idiots.
*You hope there’s a special place in Hell for the inventor of the call light.
*You believe not all patients are annoying. Some are dead.
*You believe experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
*You see stress as a normal way of life.
*You have a tendency to laugh at your patient’s “big” problems.
*You know the phone numbers of every late night food delivery place in town by heart.
*You believe the problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
*You’ve ever thought, “Patients, God love ’em, because today, I sure don’t!”
*Everything only happens all at once.
*You have more T-shirts that say, “Love a nurse PRN” than plain T-shirts.
*You’ve ever referred to other nurses as “Band-Aid Bunnies.”
*You’ve ever been telling work stories in a restaurant and had someone at another table throw-up.
*You write a patient report and have to translate it to medical records because of all the acronyms in it.
*You notice that you use more four-letter words now than before you became a nurse.
*You look in your closet and can’t find anything non-medical to wear.
*You’ve ever told anyone in pain to “stop being a baby and deal with it.”
*You have a patient in four-point leathers that asks if you’re a nurse, you reply “Yes”, and walk away.
*You’ve ever told a patient to “stop faking it.”
*You believe all bleeding stops…eventually.
*You don’t get excited about blood loss unless it’s your own.
*You don’t hit patients or doctors….unless absolutely necessary.
*You believe the pain will go away when it stops hurting.
*Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong and if nothing has gone wrong, you’ve obviously don’t understand the situation.
*You believe if you can keep your head among all this confusion, you obviously don’t understand the situation.
*You’ve ever said, “Why am I here?”
*If you believe if a patient who has a catheter, he needs it.
*Everyone gets treated exactly the same…until they piss you off.
*When you get a call telling you the name of your next admit and you can do the care plan before the patient gets to the floor.
*When called for orders, the MD says, “Write them yourself; you know the patient better than I do.”
*You’ve ever had to contend with someone who thinks constipation for 4 hours is an emergency.
*Ever rolled your eyes when the 14 year-old says, “No, I’ve never had sex.”
*You refer to motorcyclists as organ donors.
*You can eat a candy bar with one hand while performing digital stimulation on your patient with the other hand, and it doesn’t bother you.
*You believe Tylenol, Advil, or Excedrin provides a large part of your daily calorie intake requirements.
*You’ve ever held a 14-gauge needle over someone’s vein and said, “Now your going to feel a little stick.”
*You can identify the “PID Shuffle” and the “Kidney Stone Squirm” at 15 feet.
*You’ve ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, “I’m afraid of shots.”
*You’ve ever thought, “As long as he’s got a pulse, I don’t care about the rhythm.”
*You think the ultimate cruel joke is get someone drunk, take them to the ER and tell them he OD’d on “some kind of pills.”
*You automatically multiply by three the number of drinks a patient claims to have daily.
*You can keep a straight face when a patient responds, “Just two beers.”
*You feel that if someone is shot or stabbed, they probably deserved it.
*You stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth to cough.
*You think “awake and stupid” is an appropriate choice for mental status.
*You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.
*You have encouraged obnoxious patients to sign out AMA.
*You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
*Your most common assessment question at 2 a.m. is “Why is this an emergency now?”
*You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick.
*You don’t believe 90% of what you’re told, and 75% of what you see.
*You firmly believe that “too stupid to live” should be a diagnosis.
*You have to leave the patient before you begin to laugh uncontrollably.
*You believe a book entitled “Suicide: Getting it Right the First Time” will be your next project.
*You believe a good tape job will fix anything.
*You’ve ever had a patient look you dead in the eye and say, “I don’t know how that got stuck in there.”
*You have ever had a patient say, “I’m not pregnant, I can’t be pregnant! I can’t be having a baby!”
*You have a special shrine in your home to the inventor of Haldol.